Hanna and I started dancing to “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers and she started screaming the lyrics on the dance floor. She obviously having a good time and also drunk as fuck. Some guy came over and try to dance with her but she immediately gave him the cold shoulders and backed away. She put her arms around me and continued to dance, my hands worked its way down the hips of her slender body. The DJ played “Love Will Tear Us Apart” by Joy Division.  I looked at her face and finally realized how beautiful she was. Her silky dark hair, porcelain skin, and deep blue eyes. Silly me, I really wanted to make out with her but something stopped me. Not sure if I was acting like a fucking jerk or there’s more to it other than just sexual urges. I looked around the floor and everyone was gone. It was just me and her. I can’t explain the mixed signals that I got.  It’s not sex appeal, not “slut appeal”. Then the music that the DJ was playing started to change, the song wasn’t in English anymore, it’s a classic German ballad, one of the first German ballads that I’ve heard – “Traume” by Francoise Hardy. Then all of a sudden, I felt Hanna’s fingertips touching my face. I then awoke from that euphoric trance. Back to reality. She continues to touch my sweaty face.

“Lorenzo! Are you okay?” Hanna asked.

I looked around and didn’t hear the German ballad song anymore. The DJ was playing “Call On Me” by Eric Prydz. I looked at Hanna again. She seemed worried.

“I’m fine. I am okay.” I replied to her.

She and I decided to leave that night. I started feeling sick to my stomach. It’s kind of weird because I don’t remember eating anything that night. Hanna literally took care of my drunken ass. She made sure that we didn’t get lost on our way back to the hostel. Good thing she remembered the trains that we took down to Union Square from Harlem. I didn’t sleep that night. Hanna’s face stayed in my head like a broken song. A beautiful broken song. I woke up at 6 AM in the morning. Hanna’s face is still engraved in my mind. I decided to write some poetry on the living room on the first floor of the hostel. Then I realized something. She’s camping in my head. Then I found myself listening to these fucking cheesy love songs : “Crazy For You” by Madonna, “She Will Be Loved” by Maroon 5, “If You Could Read My Mind” by Gordon Lightfoot, and “Your Song” by Elton John. These songs actually ended up as being my all time favorites even though I called it fucking cheesy. The next day, I met a charismatic boy named Yohan from Slovenia. He’s only 19 years old and was constantly asking me if there’s a bar or a club that I could take him because he’s under 21. He was desperately begging me to hook him up with fake ID or something. But the truth is, I really can’t do anything. It’s not like back in L.A. where you could always drive to downtown and get yourself a fake drivers license. I’ve noticed that he’s a little flirtatious and also sexually confused. I guess that’s pretty common when you’re 19. Okay, I think this short story is running a little slow. Let’s fast forward. During that day, I had a job interview for an Italian eatery in the Flat Iron District. At that time, I was unemployed so I still need to work my ass off to in order to survive. On my way out of the hostel , I run into Hanna who just came back with a Subway sandwich in her hand.

“Hey, how’s the goin’?” I asked.

“I’m good, what’s up?” She replied.

I sensed that she’s trying to avoid me. Though I’m not really sure why. I thought to myself that it can’t be the the fact that I got piss drunk last night. I didn’t hesitate to ask her out myself because I really felt like I need to.

“Hey, would you like to have dinner with me tomorrow night? I have a friend who gave me a dinner coupon to a five star Russian restaurant. We’re gonna have some nice caviar and vodka”.

She was silent for a minute before she answered my dinner proposal.

“Ah, sure.”

“Okay, sounds good. See you then”.

Hanna then proceeded to her dorm room upstairs, looking uncomfortable. I started asking myself, “Do I really look that scary?”. The following day, I got pretty excited of going out with her. Hanna is supposed to meet me in the living room area around 7:00 PM. The minute I sat down, it was about 6:45 PM, Noah, the front desk agent on duty, handed me a note.

I opened the note and it read:

Lorenzo,

I haven’t been feeling well lately. So I can’t go out with you tonight. No vodka, no caviar for me.

Sorry,

Hanna.

After reading her note, anger was the only emotion that I felt. I tore the note into pieces and went to the front desk. I asked Noah if he knows that she’s still in the hostel, he said she is. I checked the system to see which dorm room she’s in and I found out that she’s in the 4th floor, room 4E. I knocked on her door and she opened. She seems to be shocked that I was there.

“Lorenzo, hi!” She greeted.

“Hi?! What the fuck?! You and I are supposed to have caviar and vodka tonight!” I barked.

“I feel sick to my stomach, I feel like it’s jumping up and down”

“I don’t give a fuck! Do you realize what kind of trouble do I have to go through just to reserve us a table at that restaurant?! Now I have to cancel it!”

“I’m sorry…”

“What about tomorrow?!”

“Tomorrow is OK”

“Are you sure?!”

“Yes, I’m sure”

“OK, I’ll see you tomorrow in the hostel living room at around 8:30 PM?”

“Yes, that sounds perfect”

“Alright, I will see you tomorrow”

I then walked out of her dorm room and called one of my close friends, Sophia, who lives in Los Angeles. She’s one of my “artist friends”, she’s a photographer, because I don’t have too many. She moved to California from Palermo, Italy and the first time I met her was at a bar, I flirted with her because I thought she’s hot, and then she politely told me that she doesn’t like men and that she’s into women. So I smiled at her and realized that a man could never compete with a woman. Same with women, they could never compete with men, in this messy game of love. I told Sophia about about Hanna and she understood me completely. She was also in the same dimension where I am now and I’m glad she gave me one helpful advice – do not control your emotion when you’re in love, if you do, you will eventually lose your mind. At first I didn’t believe her but deep inside I knew she’s right. Sophia also told me that I don’t have the right to be angry because Hanna and I aren’t together at all. But one thing is certain, I’m crazy in love with the German creature from Munich. Her explanation calmed me down and I decided to go Lincoln Center. Whenever I feel sad or happy, I go to the water fountain and observe inner silence within myself. I stared at the water fountain and thought about my little life. I also realized that it was the first time that I fell in love with anyone. I tried to make logical sense of it but I couldn’t. It’s pretty clear that you lose your reasons when you’re in love. That same night I decided to throw a house party at the hostel. Those who were under 21 were pleased because every time I had a pub crawl, I don’t have a choice but to leave without them. This time, everyone is gonna party and everyone is gonna get fucked up. I held my party at the living room area of the hostel. Everyone was there, Yohan kept chatting me up and I was just playing it cool. I wish I could tell him that he’s sexually confused but I think fate would function better for him if I let time take its own coarse. Hanna was there too. But every time I looked at her, she would look into a different direction. I could tell that just my stare itself can make her uncomfortable in an instant. Everyone mingled with each other, I think awkward silences are bullshit. So I made the move. I was sitting down next to Yohan at that time and I asked him if he wanted to have a cigarette with me outside. He and I stood up and I saw an indescribable look on Hanna’s face. She looked pissed and also stood up from her chair. I used the acting skills that I learned at film school and pretended that she’s not there. As me and Yohan walked out to the patio of the hostel, Hanna followed us. I took out a box of cigarettes and me and Yohan started to smoke. Hanna stood in front of us, still looking pissed and also angry. She also took out her box of cigarettes and watched me like a hawk. Suddenly, I felt like I was being an asshole to her for no reason at all, so I instructed Yohan to meet me inside and approached Hanna.

“Hey, are you enjoying the party?” I asked and then puffed on my cigarette.

“Yeah, it’s good” She replied in a cold manner.

“Listen, I have something to tell you…”

“What is it?”

“It’s something personal, hope you don’t mind”

“Try me”

“I really like you, I like you more than I should. After you and I went out last Saturday night, you got stuck in my head. I’m sorry I’m in love with you.”

Hanna then looked down on the ground, she was trying compose herself after I dropped that anchor on her.

“I don’t feel the same”

“I’ve been trying to control my emotions about this… I cannot eat, I cannot sleep, you’re all I could think about and-”

“Stope talking, come here”

She opened her arms wide, I stepped closer to her and she embraced me. I was nervous as fuck.

“Let’s go back inside and have some more drinks.”

“OK”

I sensed that she’s taking cautious control of this. And I didn’t mind at all. I’m glad she did. The next night, we finally went to that Russian restaurant, Mari Vanna, on East 20th Street and Park Avenue South. I pulled up a chair for her and she sat down. The restaurant itself is a five star. Everything looked expensive, from the English China plates to the Dutch tulips. The waitress came over and handed us the menu. I asked Hanna what she would like, but she left that for me to decide. She could have anything she wanted. During that moment, all I wanted was to give her the entire Universe. She loved the restaurant and repeatedly thanked me. So I ordered us some black caviar and a variety of their house made vodka. When our food arrived, she insisted to the waitress to serve the food herself. It was a little weird but it made me feel fucking great. We talked about the characters that we ran into the hostel. She also told me that she’s meeting with her ex-boyfriend when she returns to Munich. I didn’t really care when she mentioned that to me. I was too busy appreciating the beauty of her soul, not just her physical appearance. We told each other stories that we don’t normally discuss with anyone. It was a beautiful moment and I lived it. I must say that it was the happiest moment of my life. Being with her. The next day, she was about to return to Europe.

“So this is goodbye..” I said.

“Yes, my friends in Munich are throwing me welcome back party upon my arrival” She replied.

“You’re a nice girl Hanna. I don’t meet a lot of nice girls like you.”

We said goodbye and embraced each other and soon as she walked out of the hostel’s main entrance. I felt like shit. I wanted to cry so hard but I repressed my emotions. I hopped on the subway and went back to the water fountain at Lincoln Center. I replayed every moment that I was with her but I was still fucking sad that she’s gone. For the next six months, I became more madly in love with her, that love was tagged with depression and suicidal thoughts. Whenever i worked at the front desk of the hostel, I would just tell almost every guest that I was with this girl. I emailed her to see if she would ever reply but she never did. Her absolute silence ruined me. I reached out to her several times. Still nothing. She eventually deleted me on Facebook and whenever I tried to email her again, but my email would get returned to me. I was blocked. The more she strays away, the more I wanted her. I was sleepless and couldn’t eat for days because I cannot stop thinking about her. Just to help me get through, I started writing poetry based on her and even wrote a stage play set in 1960’s New York based on that experience. Friends repeatedly told me to move on but it felt good to think about my memory of her.

For the next three years, she was the only one. My one true love. Now, I found it very hard to believe in love again. I have turned into a slutbag, a man whore, or whatever you call someone who goes around and just haves random sex with anyone with someone they’re attracted to. I could easily hook up with every girl or guy who expresses interest in me, but whenever I try to to want a relationship outside the bedroom, I have no fucking luck. I guess I can say that Hanna is reason for my non-stop, random one night stands. Although three years had passed, I cannot compare anyone to her. Whenever I’m in bed with someone, I still think about her. The good thing is, I’m not as crazy as I was when i was madly in love with her. I wished she responded to any of my emails when I was telling her that I was suicidal but she didn’t. If I was stupid, I could’ve jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge but I stopped myself. I controlled my emotions by creating fiction and poetry. Yes, I’m a hopeless romantic. Yes, I still believe in love despite that experience. Love has no explanations. You cannot question it when it happens to you. It is indeed very rebellious bird that cannot be tamed. Though I desperately try to stop sleeping around, there is no denial that Hanna’s silence turned me into an emotional wreck. She really fucked me up. Will there someone be out there willing to break my fall? Maybe yes, maybe not. I won’t hold my breath for it. I also found it hard to emotionally connect with almost anyone. I guess, process of unrequited love is finishing its final chapter on me. I really fucking hope so.