I woke up early on a Friday morning. The last girl I had sex with left her underwear on my bed. It’s a pink-colored silk thong. Some guys get turned on by keeping or collecting it. But for me, I find it very unsanitary. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy everything the vagina has to offer in terms of physical satisfaction. But to keep a used underwear?! I don’t think so. I got out of my bed, put on my pea coat which I bought from Bloomingdale’s yesterday and went to Union Square Park. Since it’s only a short walk from my apartment. And also, I need to gather new ideas for a new writing project that I desperately need to write. I stepped out of my apartment building on East 17th Street and walked to Union Square. I got there and it was empty. More relaxing. I sat down on one of the benches, took out my fresh pack of Gauloises cigarette and smoked. Then I noticed something that caught my attention. I saw a young father, probably in his late 20’s walking along with his son, I think the son was like 4 or 5 years old. He’s enjoying some quality time with his father. He’s keeps yelling; “Daddy! Look at me!!” Then he would run around his father just to feed off the attention that he’s being given. An image of a father and a son, are one of those things that is stained in my mind. It doesn’t go away. My single mother raised me on her own, she told me that my father walked away from her when he found out that she was pregnant. And I always wondered what it’s like to have a man around as a child. The idea of a paternal and masculine presence continues to mystify me up to this day. The attention and approval of a man is highly important to me just like food and water. If I had father, maybe I’d be more stronger and tougher. Growing up without a father left me with a feeling of endless longing and hunger. A big gaping hole in my fucking heart. A bottomless pit within my soul. Before you judge me, I want you to realize that nothing is more important than the protection and presence of a man in a child’s life. In some way, I felt like my own mother betrayed me. She did not provide a father figure for me, that’s why my life is all fucked up right now. Shit, I really wished that there was a man in my life. That could’ve made my life perception a lot more clarifying. Fuck it! I’m moving forward with all my life choices. The whole scene made me feel like shit and I decided to leave. I called Suzanne and was glad that I was able to arrange a same day appointment. I arrived in her office, I felt like a five year old all over again! I entered her office and there she was, sitting pretty, all prepared for her client – a functional fuck up who sails through life like a child who’s taking his time at a candy store.

“Hello Lorenzo!” Suzanne greeted.

“Hello!” I responded.

I sat down on the couch across from her and didn’t know where to start.

“When you called me this morning, it sounded like an emergency so I considered seeing you today”

“Well, maybe this is an emergency and I just don’t know it!”

“What’s eating you up this time?” She asked.

“Men. Every man that walks through my door” I replied.

“Is it sexual or emotional?”

“Both”

“Could you tell me a little bit about your childhood?”

“Sure. I was raised by a single mother back in California. My father was never there..”

“Is your father still alive?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“When was the last time you spoke to him?”

“Can we not talk about my father? This isn’t about him, this is about me living my fucked up life!”

“You did mention to me that men are troubling you so why can’t we talk about him?”

“Because he walked away from me the minute he found out that my mother was pregnant! That fucking asshole left me before I was even born!”

“So because of that, do you resent men?”

“No, I never resented men. It just bothers me that I was never loved by a man. Most children experience that paternal love and protection and I never had that. It fucking bothers me. It left me with this feeling of longing and emptiness.”

“If your father never walked away from you, do think you’d feel a lot better?”

“Yes, maybe. Every time I think of it, it would’ve been nice. Maybe I’d be more stronger and tougher.”

“You don’t think you’re strong enough?”

“No, not really.”

“I think you’re not giving yourself enough credit. It takes a strong character to write a book, and to be able to make a writing ambition come true.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah! My writing ambition! I don’t mean to sound like a dick but you and I both know that my writing profession doesn’t change anything in the past. It pretty much restores it.”

“Really? How?”

“Everything that I write about is from the past. There is nothing from the future or the present.”

“Have you ever thought of getting into a serious relationship with a man?”

“Yeah, I did try that. But most guys I meet are assholes. So I swing the other way whenever that happens..”

“Swing the other way?”

“I hook up with women. They fill in the void that men does not fulfill in me.”

“What about women? Ever had a serious relationship with any of them?”

“Nope. I really don’t feel the need to settle with a woman. I mean I highly respect women, but I feel too reserved for it.”

“So settling with a man is more acceptable for you?”

“Maybe.. I’ve almost given up on it. It’s like whatever..”

“It’s not whatever. It bothers you that there wasn’t a man who loved you.”

“No shit!”

“What’s you typical Friday or Saturday night like?”

I laughed a little bit after she asked me that question.

“What so funny?”

“I’m not so sure if I want to answer your question..”

“Try me. You can tell me absolutely anything. You’re paying $200 an hour.”

“On a typical Friday or Saturday night, I go out to bars, clubs, or sometimes a sex club. I get drunk, I meet someone, I fuck and I’m satisfied. You know..”

“No, I don’t. I don’t get drunk and fuck strangers during the weekends.”

I laughed at Suzanne.

“I’m sorry, it makes me feel funny whenever I encounter someone who is emotionally committed. I think I’m finished here. Thanks for listening.”

“My pleasure.”

I stood up from the couch feeling than an ancient anchor has been lifted up from my shoulders. But it doesn’t erase the fact that my father left me and he’s an absolute asshole. I decided to go to the beer garden on Rivington Street, the place is called Loreley Beer Garden. I went in there and bought myself one masskrug (1 liter mug) of my favorite German beer, Weihenstaphner. After I finished the beer, I went to this new bar around the corner called Leave Rochelle Out It. It’s an unusual name for a bar but the real story is – it’s about two guys who dated the same girl named “Rochelle”. I stepped inside and there’s was like 7 or 8 people. A laid back, easy going crowd which I prefer. I ordered a glass of screwdriver. The male bartender, in his late thirties, speaks in a distinctive Australian accent. When I used to work at hostel here in Manhattan, I had difficulties distinguishing British and Australian accent.

“Would you like a shot mate? It will be on the house.” He asked.

“Sure, thank you!” I replied.

His name was Tom. He’s from Melbourne. He was nice enough to offer me a free shot of jaeger. He then told me that he’s dating a twenty year old model who’s currently working at the Mercedes Benz Fashion Week in Lincoln Center. Then all of a sudden, a tall, skinny girl with a charismatic pretty face showed up. Tom embraced her and then squeezed her round ass. Lucky guy! I continued to sip on my screwdriver and as I looked at the end of the bar, I noticed a melancholic character. A man in his early forties, drinking a glass of whiskey by himself. He has an athletic built and I could tell that he’s in the military or something. He reminded me of actor Daniel Craig in James Bond. There was a slight attraction and I repressed it. Because I wasn’t sure if he’s straight or plays once in a while on the other side of the buffet. I finished my glass of screwdriver and ordered a refill. Then I noticed him staring at me. Fuck, that made me uncomfortable. As I received my refill drink I drank it like a loose college kid who’s enjoying a holiday in Ibiza. I finished my second screwdriver and stepped outside to smoke a cigarette. I stood outside the bar took out my pack of Gauloises. When I reached inside my pocket for a lighter, I cannot find it. Fuck! I looked around me and there was James Bond.

“You need a light?” He asked.

“Yes, sorry..” I nervously replied.

He took out a silver metallic lighter from his pocket and lit my cigarette.

“What are you sorry for?” He asked me again.

“Because I know that you’re having an alone time back in there and I don’t want to ruin it for you..”

James Bond grinned at me.

“You’re not ruining anything. I’m just enjoying some break from the military”

“You’re in the service?”

“Yes, I’m in the US MARINES”

“Yeah, I could tell that you are.”

“Is it the haircut?”

“Yeah, but it looks rad.”

“I’m starting to get bored here in New York and I can’t even find a gay bar!”

“I’m with you on that one..”

Then he looked at me straight in the eyes with serious intent.

“Do you want to get out of here and have some bourbon in my hotel?”

“Let’s get a cab”

We then hailed a cab and disappeared into the night. Before I got into the cab, I’ve thought about my conversation with Suzanne, maybe she’s right. Maybe I should try to get into a serious relationship with a man, maybe it will fix me. But then I realized that if I really want a serious affair, then fixing my shit should not be the focus of it. That would be wrong. But right now, the only thing I could think of is this moment – this temporary affair. This is my substitute for love.