I looked out the window of my private hostel suite and realized that three weeks of being away from New York City is too damn long. This whole European trip was acted on the spur of the moment. As everybody knows, I hate to plan things. But now, I’m gonna have to face a couple of problems when I get back in New York. A new job and a roof above my head. I told my friends in Berlin that I already have a new job when I get back to Manhattan but the truth is, there is no fucking job. Not a place to go. Wait, there is a shitty hostel in Brooklyn where the guy managing the place is a good friend of mine and I know for a fact that he will let me crash in there. So the roof above my head is taken care of. But what about the fucking job?

The following night, I hopped on the plane back to New York City. There’s some of excitement when the plane took off. It felt like the first time I moved to New York from California. It feels like the first time.

Back to the job bullshit. I’ve reached a point in my life that where I stopped caring. What kind of shit job am I gonna get this time? I’ve done so many day jobs and all it gave me was pure misery. I cannot seem to hold a 9-5 job for a million reasons. I mean it’s great to have regular income but what if you’re not happy? Majority of Americans work on jobs that they hate or don’t even like. But for the sake of survival, they all took it up the ass, just like a third world hooker desperate for cash. Do I have to follow the same pattern?! No fucking way!

Then I started thinking of Peter Pan and Neverland. Even Peter Pan says that the key to not grow up is in liking what you do. It’s obvious that he achieved immortality by believing in himself alone and refusing to bend over to a conformist society. Which reminded me a lot of my friends from high school. Some of them are successful, some of them are still living in California. I wasn’t able to recognize most of them because they all looked so old and different. It’s like the rest of them changed while I stayed the same. Is it my refusal to grow old? As you get older, you become more cynical about life. I have noticed that within myself and among the people I know. With me, it’s a constant battle. Trying to prevent myself from waking up to the horrible realities of this world and convincing myself at the same time that anything is possible and anything can be forever if you really want it to. It’s a daily battle. In Neverland, everything manages to stay the same throughout the centuries. Nothing grows old. That’s the life that I want, that’s the world that I want. New York City is my Neverland.

My plane landed at JFK Airport and I took the subway back to Brooklyn. I only have one duffle bag with me, so it wasn’t a big deal. I went back to the same shitty hostel where I was staying. It’s back to zero. I got a call for a few temp jobs in Manhattan, and the idea of having new jobs doesn’t thrill me any longer nor it makes me feel better. The only thing that still fascinates me is my writing. I have my noticed that my interest in writing has remained the same. When I got to the hostel, I noticed that my cash is running low. So that means that I need to figure out where my crashpads are gonna be. I planned to crash at the couches of my friends. I have to schedule each one. Which reminds me of the Coen Brothers film which I recently watched, “Inside Llewyn Davis”. It’s about a struggling New York musician during the early 60’s who spent the majority of his life sleeping on the couches of his friends. Llewyn Davis refused to get a day job since he pursued a musical career full time and stayed true to form throughout the film. But there was also a point where he almost “gave up” on his music because he felt “tired, so fucking tired” and surprisingly towards the end of the movie he still continued to play music. It’s a harsh reality of life when you take a closer look at it. People who never struggled, people who never took risks, people who never had to worry about their financial situation will never be able to relate to Llewyn’s story. I’m in that situation right now and it’s not a pleasant experience. But I’m staying optimistic and hope that I will get full time work soon.

Is it wrong to have a Neverland of your own?