It was a normal Monday morning. I’m getting ready to get on with my 9 to 5 job. It’s been three weeks since I started working for this hedge fund firm located on Lexington Avenue and East 57th street. But there was something different during that morning. I didn’t feel like myself. I felt like a fraud. I ignored that feeling within myself and hopped on the number 1 train heading to Midtown. While on the train, I looked around me and wondered, “How many people in this subway ever had dreams when they first moved here in New York City, how many of them continue to pursue it? How many of them have given up? The guy playing the cello first caught my attention, then the young mother carrying her infant child going arounf asking for alms. Then I thought to myself, what about me? The past four years of my existence here in Manhattan, was it a joke?, a failure? Or simply an ambition still in process? I started to feel anxious and depressed. I realized that the life that I’ve been living, the day jobs I’ve taken are all mediocre. I did it all because I need to, not because I want to. And for that, I feel fucking guilty and I owed a lot of things to myself. If you’re gonna live your life, you will do it because you want to not because you need to. I felt like shit again, the black wolf with yellow luminous eyes started appearing before me right there in the subway. It was just standing there gazing at me. I was fucking terrified and scared. All the positive energy slowly fades away from me. Then everywhere I looked, just turned into darkness.

When I opened my eyes, I found myself on a platform of a train station somewhere in Queens. I looked at the time on my cell phone and it was 4:55 PM. I can’t believe that I fucking blacked out. I also found at least fifty missed phone calls and fourteen voicemail and text messages. For the first time, I felt fucking lost. I had no clue or recollection how this whole thing unfolded. I didn’t even know what the fuck was happening to my life. I called my manager at the hedge fund firm and told him that I wanted to quit because the current life that I’m living doesn’t make any sense. My manager was nice guy, he even tried to persuade me to reconsider my resignation but my decision was already concrete. The condition that I was in needs to be repaired. I need to take a long break from New York City and the craziness that comes along with it. It could’ve been possible that all the negative experiences I’ve had has taken its toll on me… Or maybe the fact that I’ve been living a life of pretending, living a life that does not belong to me. The very next day I booked a weekend flight to Berlin. I have always wanted to see Germany and I think now is the ideal time to see it. I picked a hostel from the “TOP TEN PARTY HOSTELS IN THE WORLD” and emailed all my friends (Including Hanna, the CUNT from Munich who really fucked me up) across Europe. I booked my stay in Berlin for three weeks.

Before I left New York City, I realized that I’ve become so jaded from all the things that the city has provided me. Some of my friends thought that the move that I was about to do doesn’t make any sense, but they don’t know shit. They never had the spine to step out of the tiny bubble that they’re living in and there’s no use in talking to people like them. So here I am venturing into an unknown frontier. That’s just who I am, when I’m uncertain about something I just move forward and go on with my wanderlust. And it’s important to recognize the time to go away in order to return the life that belongs to you.

TO BE CONTINUED…