Sven and I left the hostel and went to see the Berlin Wall. While we were walking to the train station, Luxemburg-Rosa Platz. There is a sense that he’s still wants to say something but he’s just holding it back. I don’t know what else to say to him if he opens up about his emotions again. The problem is, I don’t feel the same. It’s kind of ironic that I fell in love with a German girl four years ago, who doesn’t feel the same. And now, a German boy is falling for me and I’m the one who doesn’t feel the same. I kind of feel bad for Sven. I have to realize and face the fact that maybe he’s just confused and going through a difficult break up with his girlfriend. Any person in this position is very vulnerable. I know that for sure, because I was completely ruined by someone that I truly loved (Hanna, the CUNT). Sven and I finally arrived at the Berlin Wall and started admiring what’s left of it, and of course, the graffiti.

“Hey Lorenzo,” Sven asked.

“What’s up?” I replied.

“I’d like to apologize about everything that I said to you yesterday.”

“Oh don’t be.”

“You’re not mad?”

“Of course not, I was in a phase like that before..”

“You never told me the details about it, mind if I ask?”

I sighed. I no longer enjoy telling stories about How Hanna and I met. Before, I feel like I enter a different dimension every time I tell the story of how I fell in love with her. But now, whenever I tell anyone about my fucking love story, I feel like I’m digging my own grave. Ah fuck it! If I won’t have the balls to tell this stupid love story or always fear this.. That would make me a pussy! No sir! No fucking way, I decided to just tell the fucking story. Because I refuse to run away from my past, just because it makes me feel like shit.

“Alright, I may not tell it a hundred percent but I will try my best. I met Hanna when I used to work at a hostel in New York City. There wasn’t an instant attraction when I first met her.” I said.

“So who made the first move?” Sven asked.

“I did.”

“Oh yeah? How?”

All of a sudden, I started feeling excited again. Excited about telling my story – How I fell hard for someone who doesn’t give a fuck about me. A romance that’s so fucking classic! The only thing that’s different about me while telling this story is, I feel emotionally damaged and proud at the same time.

“Well, at that time I just moved to New York from California and I was fucking broke. So when she asked me if I could accompany her to some bars in Manhattan, I immediately said yes thinking that she would pay for all my drinks.”

Sven laughed at me.

“Wait, she paid for all your drinks?!”

“Fuck yeah! I was broke man…”

“So how did you fall in love with her?”

“What?”

“You heard me, how did you fall in love with her?”

That’s a fucking difficult question. Where am I going to start? I asked myself. I decided to continue anyhow, just to keep going.

“While on our way to East Village, we were both drinking two cans of FOUR LOKO (A drink that was banned before in both New York and New Jersey for being too fucking strong.). So I told her all my darkest secrets and she told me that she’s just traveling the world to forget her problems.. And that her mom committed suicide because her dad left her for another woman. And the following I saw her differently. The damages of life that brought us together made me feel special.”

“Shit dude, that’s sucks. What about you? What’s your darkest secret?”

“I never saw my own mother and father in the same room. Ever. It’s one of those things that I’d like to see within my lifetime. But I don’t think it’s going to happen. Both of them separated already before I was born. Maybe I wasn’t good enough that’s why they hated each other so much.”

“Don’t say that, sometimes things don’t work out between two people and it’s nobody’s fault.”

“That’s bullshit! Do you even hear yourself?!”

What Sven said only infuriated me. When someone has a fucked up life and you say these kind of shit, it doesn’t help! I’m sure he’s only trying to make me feel better but to be perfectly honest, it only does the opposite.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad..”

“No, it’s okay. I’m sure you’re only trying to help.”

“What I meant to say was, it’s not your fault.”

“I know it’s not my fault. But being the child between a father and a mother, who refuses to be in the same room with their only kid, tells me otherwise.”

“So how are you feeling now?”

That question stopped me on my tracks. It’s been a hundred years since someone asked me that question. And to tell you the truth, I have no fucking idea on how I’m feeling now. Holy shit! Am I turning into a 21st Century zombie?! Fuck that! I try so fucking hard not to be like that – someone who just goes through life like a hollow human skin with nothing inside. I’ve seen a lot of people living like that, trapped in a pattern of doom.

We continued to walk the stretch of the Berlin Wall, and I was quiet for about five minutes and still not being able to answer Sven’s question. My answer to his question kept playing at the back of my head which made me feel like a schizophrenic person.

“You want to know how I’m really feeling now?!” I blurted out.

“Yes, tell me.” Sven replied.

“Since Hanna, I haven’t loved anyone. I’m too fucking scared of feeling that way again. I make it very impossible for anyone to love me! Hanna was my first and last chance of this so called “serious relationship” and now it’s over! Thanks to that bitch, I’ll never know what it’s like to have a serious romance with any human being! I spend my Friday and Saturday nights in bars and sex clubs with countless strangers and sometimes on Tinder! I don’t know what I’ve become, I don’t fucking know. So the answer to your question is, I am not okay! That’s how I’m feeling now! I feel less than zero most of the time! Did that answer your question?!”

Sven stood there looking at me with emotions in his face. I’m not sure if he feels sorry for me or amused of my pathetic behavior.

“What about love?” He asked.

“I already walked out of it four years ago!” I answered.

“That’s it?”

“I’m done”

He looked disappointed and stood closer to me. He then touched my face with his hand.

“You know, it’s really sad when you make assumptions about being done with love. Never say never.”

I slapped his wrist off my face, and I think I scared him off a bit.

“Let’s go back to the hostel, I want to get fucking drunk!” I said.

“Alright, whatever makes you feel better.” He replied.

We left the Berlin Wall and walked back to the train station that took us back to the hostel. I got so fucking drunk that night, Sven did not drink and spent the night just listening to my bullshit. I realized that if I ever had a city of emotions, it would be Berlin. Even though, the emotional flashbacks that it brought me wasn’t always good, I’d still wouldn’t change a thing. Because if you change one thing, it will change everything.